Yearn, Day 3

Even as I grow in my faith and mature in my relationship with God I occasionally find myself in the pit of a pity party. Yep, the idea of having a repentant heart escapes me and I choose to dwell on all of my short comings. Admittedly the pity party's are fewer and farther between one another then they use to be but I can throw a pretty good party when the occasion calls for it.

A few weeks ago, I blew. Overwhelmed by the recent testing by my 9 year old, my husband placed something in the wrong place. I know it sounds silly as I write it, but at the time it was a very significant moment. I broke, all of my emotional garbage came spewing out of my mouth like vomit. My wonderful husband stood unaware of what was really going on taking the brunt of my verbal assault. I am sure he was wondering if he could make a run for the door. I have a very unhealthy tendency to bottle my emotions until that one last thing piles on and *BOOM!!* #BAM# ~WACK~ my family is hit with the Tasmanian devil that resides in my flesh.

That evening and the next day I made amends with Ted and the girls and we talked about some ways to solve some of the issues I am having. Unfortunately, I didn't take it to God. I internalized it. I spent almost two weeks telling myself that I am a terrible wife and mother. I would share some of the horrific things I tell myself but they really aren't worth the time. Just know that when the door is open to self-defeating thoughts, it is a pretty dark place to keep yourself. It is wonder to me how I drive a wedge between God and myself. In the midst of my pity I was telling God His sacrifice wasn't great enough for my mess up this time. Okay, maybe not in so many words. But, that is what I was doing.

Instead of reaching out to God for forgiveness and guidance, I was telling Him that I messed up too big this time. "I have to handle this one on my own because it is just that ugly." Deception is a funny thing. I don't know that we see it coming but all of a sudden it is in our hearts, distorting the very knowledge we hold dear.

Why did I choose Yearn as my word this week? Because when I mess up I need to search for God. I need to desire that relationship above all else. Because I want to be consumed by His truth.

I am imperfect and He still died for me.

Heavenly Father~Your majesty and sacrifice overwhelm me. Forgive me for the times I don't allow that sacrifice to be enough for my sins. Continue to work in me, Lord. Creating in me a renewed mind, cleansed of deceptive thoughts that seperate me from you. Continue to create in me a desire and hunger, a yearning, for your Truth. ~In Your Precious Holy Name

Please continue to pray for Donna O this week.